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MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him.

Nowadays, when you meet my kids and see how terrific they are and feel a bit nosy, I will cut you off at the pass.The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got? CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps.This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had.Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit.

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